Terminator Salvation (2009)

I realized a very important thing about halfway through Terminator Salvation: I don't care.

I don't really care whether this movie lives up to the seminal original film from 1984 or its ostensibly superior 1991 sequel. I don't really care that the third one was a joke. I don't care whether Christian Bale is a believable John Conner, or if Anton Yelchin works as Kyle Reese. I don't care that Linda Hamilton's only appearance is through pre-recorded tapes left to her son, or if Arnold only shows up as a CGI behemoth. I don't care if the time-travel stuff makes sense.

I just don't care.

This, I should say, is a relief. Because I thought I would care. Those are the type of things I usually get all worked up about. Maybe it's just because I'm getting older, or maybe it's because it's such a nice summer day, but it just seems to me that life's too short. Apparently I'm not quite the geek I thought I was.

Terminator Salvation is a decent summer blockbuster. It's not great, but it's better than I expected it to be. Sure, I gave up on trying to figure out the plot (something about how some guy with a peekaboo Australian accent who may or may not be a robot is trying to help Christian Bale save his future father and how some guys in a submarine are trying to blow up Skynet, and how the big scary robots are alternately massacring and abducting the few human beings left on Earth for purposes beyond the screenwriter's ability to explain or the audience's ability to comprehend) about fifteen minutes in. But I enjoyed the movie thoroughly for what it was, even though -- four days or so later -- I can barely remember a frame of it.

Here are the few things I can recall:

1) Anton Yelchin, who I really despised in Star Trek, is surprisingly okay as the teenaged Kyle Reese. He's no Michael Biehn, but then he wouldn't be, would he? He's Michael Biehn fifteen years or so before he gets sent back in time to knock up John Conner's mom. I sort of bought it. Or at least as much as I needed to buy it to enjoy the movie. Hell, he's certainly no worse than whatshisname who played Anakin Skywalker.

2) It seems like McG and his DP (the guy Bale yelled at on set) watched a lot of Children of Men before they made this. Which is good. I liked the washed out, monochromatic color pallette, and I really appreciated that -- when they could -- they went for the long take rather than the rapid-fire edit.

3) Christian Bale is now officially the most boring actor on Earth. What happened to the guy who did American Psycho? Hell, what happened to the guy who did Swing Kids? I'm so totally over him.

4) Sam Worthington seems like a pretty decent actor, but they should have either cast an American in the role or just let him keep the Australian accent. Because what the fuck was that?

5) If you have some feral little mute girlchild following you through the post-apocalyptic wilderness, either cut her loose or eat her. Because she's just gonna drag you down.

6) Isaac Kappy makes every movie better. Seriously. Don't believe me, just watch Beerfest and Not Forgotten. I actually applauded when Isaac came on screen. Unfortunately this was in LA, so I got a lot of dirty looks. But it was worth it.

7) The killer robots are cool. And the Arnold cameo is actually pretty fun, even though it makes absolutely no narrative sense whatsoever.

8) Michael Ironside must actually be a cyborg, because he looks exactly the same as he did in 1980 when he did Scanners. I was happy to see him, though. If only they had found a way to fit in Lance Henriksen and Clancy Brown...

9) Even post-nuclear holocaust, New Mexico doesn't look all that different.

I really don't have much to say about this movie. If you check your expectations at the door, it's pretty entertaining. But I'd probably wait for Netflix if you have a good home theater or the dollar theater if you don't. Not a must see by any means.